Make your Kids your Best Friends
I have a friend who I’ve been observing for over 20 years. I’ve watched how he’s raised his family and taken notes. I’ve watched his kids grow up. Today they seem to be a very happy, close, and God-following family. Not perfect, I’m sure, but the kids seem to have a very warm and special relationship with their mom and dad.
I know this is what we’re all shooting for. Years ago, I observed that my friend seemed to spend the majority of his free time with his family. After work was out, he’d be with the family. On the weekends he wouldn’t answer his phone- because he’d be with his family. He’d be out of town at his kids’ soccer games, or coaching their basketball game. He’d be unavailable in the evenings- because he was with his family. Outside of work, this guy- more than anyplace else, was with his family.
I hadn’t seen that choice to favor family modeled before in my life. It dawned on me that my friend was intentionally investing most of his relational energy into his family- banking on those relationships as being the closest and most important in his life. He was banking on his kids being his best friends. That’s not a bad friendship strategy. Today, I’m doing the same.
That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t invest time in peers. We all need men and women around us to support us, encourage us, tell us the truth, and to enjoy life with. We need friends, but let me suggest to those of you who have kids: make your kids your best friends, because soon they WILL be your peers. For some of us, this may be a novel idea.
In older generations, we remember hearing the mantra, “Children are to be seen but not heard.” Basically, kids were not treated like full-fledged human beings, but a liability, of sorts. Kids needed to be fed and took time and energy away from their parents. In the European Middle Ages when death was right around the corner, parents often named infants the name of a deceased child. Like John number 1 is gone, so now we have John number 2, and then 3. It was a more callous and emotionally-removed philosophy of raising children.
Today we look at kids differently.
I know someone who has young adult children, but every year, he goes away with his “buddies” on a long camping trip. I wonder, “Why doesn’t he take his kids with him?” There’s a clear distinction between how he sees his friends and how he views his kids. I wonder if his kids pick up on that.
My kids ARE my buddies. I tell my kids all the time that I’m not going anywhere. I’m moving into their houses and they are going to take care of me. They’re going to change my adult diapers and feed me. My kids are going to be my best friends.
When we begin as parents, we start off as the primary provider, then disciplinarian for our kids. As they get older, we should begin to treat them more and more like our peers. We should open up about our feelings, our successes & failures and treat them like the legitimate, trustworthy human beings that they are. When we do this, our kids understand that we see them as real people. This builds their confidence. They will internalize the value we give them.
Don’t worry. You can be buddies with your kids and still be Mom and Dad. Just be age-appropriate, and error on the side of being too open rather than not being open enough. Any type of self-disclosure to anyone involves risk. But our kids are worth that risk. Being genuine and vulnerable won’t take away your kids’ view of you as their parents. It won’t diminish their respect for you, it will enhance and enrich it. When you, as the parent and person of authority, the most important man or woman in your kid’s entire lives, choose to trust them with the real you, they will pick up on that. That will stick with them.
You can be both parent and peer to your kids. Instead of searching for your best friends outside your family, make your kids your best friends!
-TF
