Say Yes to What you can Say Yes to
My son wanted to go to a sleepover. We said no. My daughter wanted Snapchat, nope. Another son wanted a TV in his room. Someone wanted to take the car somewhere. No. No. No.
Don’t overthink these examples. The point is you’re going to say no as a parent. A lot. Whatever the scenario may be, as our kids get more and more independent, you are going to disagree with what they want to do -more and more.
That’s good! It means you’re raising a normal human being not under duress that can think on their own. Give yourself credit for that.
But say yes to what you can say yes to.
In other words, pick your battles.
In Colossians 3:21, The Bible warns fathers, ‘Do not embitter your children.’ That’s one translation. Another says, ‘Do not provoke your children.’ And another, ‘Do not exasperate your children.’ Embitter, provoke and exasperate. Those are the things we can do to our kids. It’s a mutual responsibility- children need to obey their parents, but parents also need to make fair, reasonable decisions.
When I was a younger father, especially with one child- I was pretty intense. I took issue with a lot. I had the tendency to over-control and micromanage every single thing that affected my child, and guess what? I had a strong opinion on everything, mostly what I disagreed with.
As my kids multiplied and grew older, I started to chill out. I began to trust God more with my kids and give myself grace. I didn’t need to control every stimulus my kid received. I couldn’t, anyway. God and common sense were also at work. Emily and I wanted to create not a terrifyingly strict environment of right and wrong in our home grounded in fear, but a place of a kind, non-anxious, and optimistic presence—a place of truth, discovery and grace.
If you approach parenting with fear and believe it’s up to you to protect your kids from every negative influence in the world, you’re going to be freaking out all the time. You’re going to saturate your home with anxiety- and that’s what your kids will remember growing up. And, you’re doomed to failure. Sooner or later, evil, pain and suffering will creep in. Shielding your kids from these incessantly will not create healthy resiliency. It’ll raise fearful, unconfident, dependent adults.
Take out a piece of paper and sit down with your spouse if you’re married. Write down what you want for your kids, the most important things in terms of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. Write what character traits you want to instill, work ethic, how to treat other people, integrity. These are the big rocks. Now imagine putting all these rocks in a glass jar- carefully.
Everything else you put in is a stone, a pebble or sand. They don’t matter as much as the big rocks. If you have the big rocks in there, that’s what matters most.
So say yes to what isn’t a big rock. Say yes to things that are OK. Say yes to the things you have some concerns with. Say yes to things you may not love, but aren’t that big of a deal, either.
When my oldest was a junior, we let him fly with a friend to Colorado to take a ski trip. Alone. Two 17-year-old boys alone on a trip 1300 miles away from home could be a recipe for disaster, but my son had traveled quite a bit before. He had been on international mission trips and was raised to be confident and a problem-solver.
We knew he didn’t have a fake ID, so he couldn’t get a rental car or get into a bar. He wasn’t going to ask some random adult to buy him beer. He wasn’t going to a strip club. Most of all, we trusted his character. Trust is the key.
It was a little scary for us, but we said yes. And we were glad we did.
The trip went awesome.
Even though it may be scary, trust your children. Say yes to the things you can say yes to.
You got this!!💪🏽
-TF
